A Sanitized Life

A raw recap of life recently

The lack of snow is to blame! Usually this time of year, we’re all hunkered down in our homes because it’s freezing and snowing outside. Instead, it’s been 70 degrees in Denver consistently, and we’re all running around and staying busy. There’s been no reprieve from the hustle and bustle; we’ve gone straight from the chaos of the holidays and haven’t stopped going.

The past few months have been my worst (best?) in a really long time. On top of making the humongous decision to end my political campaign, I also lost a business and friendships, and have experienced more upheaval than I did in the last 5 years combined. In this newsletter, I’m sharing my revelations, providing some Denver spots on my radar, and of course, serving up some piping hot tea on the ending of Hi Neighbor. 💔

Catching Up

When digesting the end of the campaign with my friends, one of them said the most profound thing to me. She asked if I had been living a sanitized life in preparation to be a politician. I had been telling her how I had always thought I was going to be a politician and that it had dictated what I said, how I acted, and what I chose to do. I had always been careful about how I presented myself—I never burned a bridge, and I was rarely honest with my emotions. She helped me realize that I had been sanitizing my life in preparation for another life. Only I chased that life, realized it wasn’t what I wanted, and suddenly I was left with the feeling that I had been watering myself down to be as palatable as I could be to everyone around me.

I’ve done a lot of internal work since December. There were many days where I didn’t leave my bed, I barely spoke a word and spent whole days journaling. Running for office irrevocably changed me. There is something so special about chasing your dreams and realizing that they aren’t your dreams anymore, but that doesn’t make it easy.

In an effort to not make this newsletter a gray rain cloud, a lot of great things came out of these past few months too! Perhaps the most significant was the decision to start de-sanitizing my life. For example, in the Tea section of this newsletter I’m sharing my truth on the ending of Hi Neighbor—and I’m not going to lie, it’s messy. But the truth is, like everyone else, I’m messy sometimes! I have big, messy emotions and I’m tired of hiding them. Lately I’ve been feeling like a Swiss Army Knife: passed around because I’m a great resource, but after being used so many times I’ve began to dull. I think I’ve finally realized that no one is going to sharpen me but me. I’m long overdue to be honest about how people have hurt me. I’m a human bean, with big, messy, complicated feelings, and I am ready to stop pretending like I’m not.

So, life’s been a lot recently, but it’s also been really refreshing 🌤️. For the first time in my life, I don’t have an end goal, a dream job, a plan in place. And truthfully, it’s been exactly what I’ve needed! I’m about to turn 30 (in a month!!) and I am so excited to spend some time finding out what this next decade will bring. I’m promising myself that I’ll meet this decade with arms wide open accepting all the parts of me, sanitized or not.

The past months in Photos:

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Rayna’s Radar

Denver spots that I haven’t visited yet, but are on my short list

Paperboy

A new breakfast/brunch spot opening in Highlands Square. Denver has a shortage of breakfast spots, so I’m excited for this one, and I’ve heard good initial reviews

Sap Sua

Not a new spot, but one that comes highly recommended; my friend Claire dubs it as one of Denver’s best dinner spots

Malinche Audio Bar

Their instagram makes it look like Mexico City has landed in Denver. People have told me it’s a little loud in there but I need to go and hear it with my own ears

Good Luck Denver

A new cocktail bar on South Broadway opening later this year. It’s giving youthful, nostalgia and joy, I can’t wait for it to come to fruition

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Tea Time

So how many of you jumped to this section first?! 👀

What happened between my former business partner and I was sad, messy, emotional, and it could have been avoided. Hi Neighbor had been struggling for months, but it all came to a crashing end this January. Let me set the scene.

It was the week I was announcing publicly that I was leaving the campaign and my former business partner and I hopped on a call to talk about the future of Hi Neighbor. She opens up with the line “I’ve decided there’s two options here, either I take Hi Neighbor and run it myself or it ends.”

Gobsmacked would probably be the best word to describe how I felt at that moment. For a few months we had been struggling with our commitment to Hi Neighbor, both on her side and mine. Having just ended my campaign, I communicated that I was ready to recommit to Hi Neighbor and give it my attention again to keep it going.

Zoom back into that meeting, I sit there as she tells me that she doesn’t want to work with me anymore, says I sabotaged her to our mutual friend group, and when I ask about the third option of me taking over the business, I’m informed that’s not an option to her. What happens next is a series of angry texts, endless pleading, and anger both from her and me.

I was reeling. Here I was about to say goodbye to yet another thing that was important to me, and my “friend” was the one taking it away. I gave multiple solutions, and I even suggested a trial period where we could try to work together again for 4 months to see how it felt, and if it didn’t work then we would called it off. I eventually conceded that I’d even be open to hearing her pitch about why she wanted to run it, but at that point she said she didn’t want to have to present that. None of it was an option for her.

So she made the decision to end it.

Truthfully, I should have fought for it more. But my well was empty, and my resolve was so low.

Please note, I am not without blame. I said mean things, I acted rashly, I let Hi Neighbor fall to the side during the campaign. But I loved Hi Neighbor, I was so proud of it. And I am truly devastated that it is gone. But ultimately sometimes things end for the better, and you can’t force someone to be kind.

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